I note that TigerWoods and Rory McIlroy are planning to launch a new golf league. According to Golf Magic[1] the league will feature an indoor golf facility in Florida. (Dah!). No doubt their combined money and fame will bring about the realization that indoor golf can be popular. In Canada, it is a winter salvation to escape the cold. But in the early spring, we can’t wait for the real thing – playing outdoors, of course.

It’s been a long winter, but indoor golf has been a great excuse to get the golf buddies together. Let me tell you a little about some of our version of indoor golf.

Clearly, we cannot boast a facility comparable to the new one being built by golf’s well-known duo. Picture our indoor facility: the hitting area is about 20 feet wide and 15 feet deep (to the screen). It’s enclosed on two sides by some less than fashionable dark green and very heavy-duty full-length drapes. The ceiling is open and is adorned with black roof-supporting I-beams.  A high tech shot tracker with laser lights is attached to a ceiling beam. The screen itself is about 8 feet high and 15 feet wide, certainly nothing like what is envisioned for the Tiger/Rory complex. 

Our screen is the critical play area, showing a picture of the golf course fairway, the green, and associated landmarks such as trees, water hazards and sand traps. Birds chirp in the background through the sound system of a computer attached to the wall. From time to time the invisible crowd will politely applaud a shot or raise their voices in excitement as a putt goes in. In the event some incredible shot is performed, the screen will light up with fireworks and in the background firecracker noises will be heard. Fireworks is the high point of any golfing day.

The golfer hits into the screen as if on a real course. The overhead lasers quickly discern the speed and spin of the ball to simulate how far the shot travels, where it lands, or whether a putt goes in. On the screen we see the ball land and roll – unless the dastardly message “ball is unplayable” appears. When that message appears, you quickly take a “safe drop” and the benevolence of the software developer determines where your next shot will be. Occasionally, that benevolence has allowed a player to hit his next shot from the putting surface. Go figure!

Associated statistics reveal distance to the green, putting distance to the hole, and how far a shot has gone. When on the green, “ants” move in various directions at lazy to violently quick speeds. These “hints” provide insight into the slope, speed, and break of a putt. To the uninitiated all of this seems very confusing, but just like with any video game, the players eventually adjust to the playing conditions.

Whereas the proposed pro facility will seat two thousand spectators, our humble facility seats only a group of four players who, while one hits, sit on wobbly-legged chairs that have seen better days. We actually rake up two hitting areas, or “stalls” next to one another, usually with eight golfers. A regular commentary on shots made, or more likely on politics or newsworthy events occurs while play goes on. Normally golf is a respectful, quiet sport, but our sessions are often characterized by a cacophony of non-golf commentary and occasional golf-related cheers of “great shot”, or “too bad”. 

A round table at the open end of each stall centres the participant chairs and is mostly used for holding an assortment of ready to activate cell phones and the weekly coup de grace – the goodies! Presumably each table is also for those who purchase their own snacks or a meal, but being seniors, purchasing food is not within the budget.  

Our group of intrepid winter golfers get together at the local indoor golf facility to play each Friday at 10:00am, a time when most people are at work. No one in our group is under 65, hence we use the term “retired”, although some folks work from time to time – but seldom on a Friday morning. It’s a weekly occurrence only. This schedule allows players sufficient healing time to recover from the four-hour sessions and to be physically ready to play the following Friday. 

On golf day, one golfer in our league has the honour of picking one of the thirty or so famous golf courses available to be played. The honoured one also brings “goodies”, a tradition started by our “Muffin Man”, affectionately known as “Doogie” or “Muffin”.

Recently “Doogie” was feted with a celebratory video and a handsome trophy for reaching the age of 85. That age is no small feat for our members, many of whom suffer from associated back, hip, shoulder, and wrist injuries that restrict their ability to play as regularly as “Doogie”. 

Our group’s additional ailments have allowed us to also affectionately call ourselves the “prostators”, a term most men in our age group can identify with. Within our group, prostate surgery or “necessary adjustments” are conditions applicable to virtually all members. Indeed, discussion recently centred around a you-tube video that purported to show the best way to fully urinate as a senior. Oh my!

Our octogenarian leader is the group organizer and statistician, for he has calculated handicaps for many years and applied them weekly for point assignments – five points for low net, and down to one point for fifth place. Not obtaining a point in a weekly match implies the golfer has had a “bad day”.

Recently, “Doogie” was challenged on point allocations. An incorrect “slope” was apparently used to calculate handicaps for four players who inadvertently played a different course from the other group. As we found out from a prolonged discussion on the topic, the “slopes” and awards are quite complex. “Doogie” confessed that he simply put the golfers’ scores and the course “slope” data into a spreadsheet, and it calculated the point assignments. 

Now this challenge was surprising. We’ve never been too concerned about point assignments, except the year the top five point-getters were to be paid by the low point-getters – an unfortunate choice of monetary rewards as few people actually remembered who they had to pay and how much. 

Serious point competition is generally now frowned upon. Indeed, despite the mathematics of point assignment, there have been some semantical discussions about the validity of scores obtained from this golf simulation. Players seem to be equally divided about whether this is a golf-oriented “video game” or simply just another “video experience.” Regardless, its applicability to real life golf is certainly debatable. One of our players has actually concluded, after much study, no doubt, that his poor indoor performance is due to his claustrophobia, a condition he had not been aware of until recently. 

Our Friday sessions begin with a compulsory warm up for each player in which no more than five balls are hit into the screen. This prepares everyone equally (and poorly) to loosen up for the session, although at least one person has been known to get there early and practice before playing. This extended warm-up action is, of course, frowned upon, since if everyone had to practice that much, folks would have to get up earlier in the morning to play. We are retired after all. 

Recently one of our players tried to unobtrusively appear at our session with a new haircut. Upon discussion, and without his input, we ascertained that it had been at least half a year since the last ceremonial chop. The change was quite noticeable, as prior to this action his hair has been approaching Afro-status. Of course, those with little or no hair were reluctant to comment, so in the spirit of fraternal comraderie everyone simply chastised him for not advising everyone of his intent to cut his hair. Incidentally, it had no effect on his eventual score. 

Due to a sudden back injury, I recently opted out of the week’s play. Unfortunately, it was my turn to bring goodies so I arranged to drop off a cache of peanut butter cookies with one of our regulars. Apparently, he pleaded guilty at the Friday session for forgetting to bring my home-baked cookies. At the last moment, though, he remembered (by his own admission) the goodie responsibility, and stopped at a local Tim Hortons for muffins. As we found out later, though, he had eaten the cookies beforehand and tried to obtain sympathy from the group for his transgression by citing the obvious “I forgot” excuse. Everyone had to rescind the original concern and support expressed to him at the time for having to spend a pensioner’s ransom for the muffins. It’s sad story, but we’ve heard about it now for several weeks as goodies are crafted at home just for these weekly sessions.

As the courses change, so often do the topics discussed. For example, we recently learned that fluorescent u-shaped light bulbs have a shelf life: they actually begin to smoke after extended use.  It was concluded that a lamp using a very old bulb could catch on fire if left unattended. This was valuable information for those who still employ those antiquated bulbs on their bedside tables. And there was at least thirty minutes of in-depth discussion on this fascinating topic!

What get-together of seniors would take place without commentary on the sad nature of our healthcare system in Canada? Currently two of our members have serious hip issues requiring surgery. One who would never miss an opportunity to play indoors or outdoors, has only sporadically been able to attend our indoor Friday sessions. Weekly updates on their health conditions reveal they have made it to the “list”. This means, without assurances, that surgery could be scheduled within the next “couple of years”. 

Fortunately, our golf group consists of experts ready to comment on the pathetic nature of our medical service, notably for seniors. It was suggested that hip surgery could be obtained in Montreal in short order for $20,000. Of course, in Canada, such payment for service is considered sacrilegious, but it is becoming the new reality. Hopefully, despite the cost, these two golf enthusiasts will reach deep into their savings and get the surgery that will allow them to participate in a healthy way in the near future[2]. 

It now appears that the indoor golf season is about to end (except for those using the new facility Tiger and Rory are building in Florida). Our claustrophobic friend indicated last week that his indoor golf days are over for the winter and that he intends to play next Friday on one of the five golf courses now open for outdoor golf. Despite the fact that it snowed after his announcement, he has piqued an interest that before long will become infectious among our members. Still, he will probably be alone in the forecasted 8-degree (centigrade) weather as the rest of us undertake what we hope will be our final indoor session at the famous “Bethpage Black” course.

I might just wear my outdoor golf shoes for that end-of-winter event.

[1] https://www.golfmagic.com/tour/tgl/tgl-what-we-know-about-tiger-woods-and-rory-mcilroys-new-golf-league

[2] I try to avoid critical positions in my writings, but the outlook for healthcare, and particularly for seniors at this time, is not only pathetic but incredibly worrisome as we continue to age.